A Different Kind of Madness
by SarahxEmmett
Summary: When Bella Swan loses the one person who kept her going, kept her sound, she soon finds herself teetering on the edge of sanity. But, oddly enough, she's completely okay with it. Rated M for a reason.


**Disclaimer: I do not, nor will I ever, own Twilight. This story has been disclaimed. **

**Chapter One**

_Say it now!_ "Yeah, the movie was great."

_Okay, say it now! _"No, no it's fine. Really."

_Now is your final chance, just say it! _"Okay, goodnight!" _I love you, _I added silently, not harboring the confidence or the courage to say it out loud.

I mentally kicked myself as I stepped out of my best friend's car, making my way to my uninhabited house. It was pitch black when I entered, per usual.

I stumbled through the dark house, not bothering with the overhead lights, since I knew I would have to turn them off soon, anyways. I did, however, turn the lamp on so my dad wouldn't have to stagger though the dark like I did.

Even though my dad lived in the same house, I might as well have been on my own. He worked the night shift at the town's lone police department, usually coming home at around three or four in the morning. He was asleep when I woke up for school, and gone by the time I came home.

It's not like I wasn't self sufficient or anything, and I didn't need constant companionship, either. It simply got kind of lonely sometimes. Especially now that my two best girlfriends had gone away to college.

But I still had Edward. I knew I would always have him. He was my best friend and partner in crime. He just didn't know that I was madly in love with him. Almost to the point of obsession. I let thoughts of my handsome best friend dance through my mind as I shuffled up to my room.

My bed looked so warm and welcoming, I decided that with a quick brush of my teeth, I would be off to bed. Makeup be damned. That could wait until the morning, and should I wake up with a zit, the sleep would have been worth it.

Putting on pajamas seemed like too much of an effort as well, so I threw my coat and pants in the hamper, and crawled right into bed.

Like most other nights, my dreams were filled with Edward.

_"Wait!" I shouted, catching a glimpse of a fleeting copper head. I chased after the red tinged hair until it was out of my line of sight. _

_I tried to turn back, but the ground that I had been running on had crumbled away, leaving me stranded, nothing but bottomless pits of darkness surrounding me. I stood on a small sliver of land, panicking and wishing that I had been faster. _

_"Edward!" I cried out, looking around for him. I spun in every direction, trying to make him out. Hoping that he would appear. "EDWARD!"_

_I stopped. My eyes had landed on him, standing motionless in the distance, far from my grasp. _

_I called out his name again, frantically waving my arms. I cried for help, screaming at the top of my lungs._

_But there he stood, still and regal, like a perfectly sculpted statue. My yells became softer as I gave up hope. I lowered my eyes, but not before I saw a movement._

_Edward was stepping closer. Taking small steps towards me, slowly coming nearer. But how would he reach me? Between us was an unfathomably deep, black cavity that seemed to stretch wide for miles. What was he doing?_

_He made his way closer and closer to the edge, and I began to panic._

_"Edward, NO!" I screamed, but he still shuffled forward. _

_I screamed and yelled for him to stop, but exactly like before he ignored my words as if he didn't even hear them. _

_His toes reached the end of the cliff, and he finally stopped._

_I let out a yell of victory, but my triumph was cut short as he slowly lifted a single foot over the empty blackness, his unbelievably green eyes locking with mine._

_My voice had left me, and all I could do was frantically shake my head, urging him not to step off._

_He lowered his foot tormentingly slow, somehow mocking me, torturing me with gut-wrenching suspense and worry. _

_My stomach dropped as he let all of his weight onto his hovering foot, falling deep into the black abyss. _

_I sobbed, throwing myself to the ground, peering into the depths to find at least a single trace of him. _

_Shakily, I stood up, ready to throw myself over to be with him, when the earth suddenly reformed, spreading to me until there was no blackness left. Nothing but lush, green grass underneath me._

_My fingers tore into the grass, ripping it up by the roots as I screamed his name, tearing my way to him. _

_But he was gone, and there was only one thing left to say._

_"I love you."_

I woke up with a gasp, panting like a dehydrated dog. I reached over and ripped my phone from its charger, dialing Edward's number without a second thought.

My thumb rested over the green _talk_ key, but I didn't press it. Instead, I sighed and hung up the phone. I couldn't call him because I had a bad dream. He wasn't my father and he wasn't my boyfriend. How weird would he think I was if I called him in the middle of the night saying "_Oh hey, Edward, I was just making sure you were still alive. You see, I had this dream that you jumped into a gaping black hole and were lost to the world forever. But as long as your not, I'm fine. Well, bye!" _

No, I definitely couldn't make that call.

Although, a year or two ago I would have, without hesitation. But lately, things had gotten really stiff between us. We weren't how we used to be, and it kind of bothered me. I spent countless nights trying to figure out what I could have done wrong, or why we were drifting apart, but I couldn't think of one reason.

I closed my eyes, my heart rate steadily slowing down, and promised myself two things: I was going to get things back to normal with Edward, and I was going to open up to him completely. No matter how hard it would be, I was going to tell Edward that I loved him.

I woke up to the sound of rain beating on my window. The rain was coming down hard and the wind was forcing it to splash against the house. The tree outside my room swayed and slashed through the wet air, joining the rain in knocking against my window.

Growing up in Forks, Washington I had become used to this type of weather. Not only was the weather here wet and gloomy, but it changed so quickly it could give one whiplash. The skies could be unusually clear and bright one minute, and then spewing out hail and rain the next. It was a joke between Edward and I that the weather in Forks was bipolar.

No matter how horrid the weather, nothing could take away from the fact that it was Saturday. Saturday was the best day of the week, hands down. You could sleep in late, do what you want, and not worry about having school on the next day. I _lived _for Saturdays.

I smiled to myself, remembering when my mother woke me up early one Saturday morning, telling me to put on something nice. Confused, I got up and did as she asked. Later that morning I had come to find out that the previous night she declared that our family should be Jewish. She dragged my cranky father and I out of the house and to the closest temple to celebrate the Sabbath day. Thankfully, that was one of her more short lived phases.

I missed my mother so much it hurt. It's been almost three years since her death, and I thought of her every day.

Coping with my loss was the hardest thing I had to do, but I somehow lived through it. I went through all the stages of grief, staying on some longer than others, and eventually made it through.

The words of one of my best friends, Alice, ran though my head frequently. _"With all the religions she participated in, she _has _to be in Heaven right now. You know there's no other place for a woman like Renee."_

Her words brought tears to my eyes, and they helped me more than she could know. I knew she was right. There was no other place for a woman like my mom.

I hadn't noticed the tears that streaked down my cheek. Even after I had wiped them away, they still fell from my eyes. I continued to go about getting ready, trying my best to ignore them.

I brushed and blow-dried my hair, even though I knew it was a wasted effort. I was going to have to face the harsh wind and rain, and my hair was going to frizz and curl.

My mascara was thankfully waterproof, so I at least wouldn't have to worry about that.

I made my was over to my small closet and pulled out my favorite pair of jeans, a long-sleeved shirt, and a jacket with the biggest hood I had. Maybe, just maybe, I could salvage the smoothness of my hair.

My doorbell rang as soon as I had finished getting ready, and I sprinted to the door, taking the stairs two at a time. I stumbled a bit over my rug and knocked into a small table, but I didn't let anything stop me from getting to that door.

I was out of breath and slightly flushed when I answered the door. "Hi, Edward!"

"Hey, Bells, you ready to go?" he asked, a grin spreading across his face. I took in his tall frame, towering over me, my eyes raking over his broad, defined chest and shoulders, his muscular arms, his strong, graceful neck, and his glorious, handsome face. He had a sharp jaw line, like that of a sexy action movie hero, his lips were full, and his nose had a slight crook to it from where I accidentally tripped him, causing his nose to collide with the banister of my stairs. And his eyes... I could get lost in his deep, forest green eyes, and his hair was a beautiful, disarrayed reddish-brown color that gave off a soft glow. I wanted more than anything to run my fingers through his healthy locks... I—

My adoring thoughts were cut off when he chuckled a bit, looking smug. I had been staring at him unabashedly, and I was definitely busted. My cheeks burned as my pulse quickened. I tried to stammer out an explanation, but that too was interrupted.

"I know I look like a wet dog from all this rain, but you really don't have to stare," he joked as we rushed to his waiting car. "A simple 'Edward, you look awful!' would have sufficed."

I laughed, thankful that he was making a joke out of it, trying to spare my humiliation.

"Hey," he said, taking his eyes off the road to look at me, "have you been crying?"

"A little this morning," I admitted, his eyes resting on the road again. "I was thinking about my mom."

Instead of responding vocally, he reached his hand out to rest it on my lower thigh, right above my knee. He stroked his thumb back and forth, sending tingles up my spine. His simple touch said more than any words could.

I wasn't sure what to do, all I knew was that I didn't want his hand to move. I slowly reached my hand out, placing it over his.

I studied his face as I did this, hoping he wouldn't be repulsed. He bit his lip a little and smiled, turning his eyes to meet mine. I took that as a good sign.

My heart was beating erratically, and I felt warmer than I had in a long time. Nothing compared to the way I felt when Edward touched me. Little sparks of electricity shot through me and heat seemed to radiate from him.

We rode in silence, and I was very aware of his hand the entire time. The feeling it gave me never lessened, making me feel giddy and safe.

My heart quickened again when Edward's hand started to move upwards, dragging mine along with hit. I thought I was going to pass out when he reached the middle of my thigh. Then, he flipped his hand over, fingers splayed, waiting for me to take it.

I laced my fingers though his and grinned when he squeezed my hand.

We stayed like that for the rest of the trip to Port Angeles, silent and holding hands. Nothing needed to be said.

I was kind of sad when we arrived, but I noticed Edward waited until the very last second to let go of my hand.

I opened my door right as he arrived at my side. To my surprise, he held his hand out to me for me to take once again. Holding hands might not be a big deal to anyone else, but holding hands with Edward was _huge_ for me.

We talked and chatted as we usually would, joking around with each other.

But soon the small talk and teasing took a turn for a more serious topic of discussion.

"So what were you thinking about that made you sad this morning?" he asked softly.

I sighed a little. "I was just remembering my mom's enthusiasm about life. It was so refreshing and contagious. I miss her so much, Edward."

"I know," he said comfortingly, "and I know she misses you, too. But you'll see her again, I promise.

I wanted to state my doubts, but I didn't want to question Edward's religion. I knew he believed that death was simply the price you had to pay for eternity in Heaven, but I had my doubts. It was hard not to. I just nodded my head in agreement, saving the debate for another time.

"Are you hungry?" he asked, changing the subject again. "Because I'm starving. If I don't get some food in me fast, I might have to take a few bites out of you."

He said it so seriously, making me laugh a bit. "I didn't know you would resort to cannibalism. And especially with me! There's dozens of people around you, why would you choose to eat your best friend?"

He took this into consideration, pausing to think before he spoke again. "Because no one would taste as good."

"Oh really?" I asked. "And how would you know what I taste like?"

He only winked in response, which for some reason generated a blush on my cheeks.

The sky had darkened substantially as we were walking, small claps of thunder sounding in the distance. The light mist turned into a steady drizzle. Edward grasped my hand tighter, pulling me forward. Soon we were running at full speed and I could barely keep up. I grinned as I picked up my pace, making little splashes in the quickly forming puddles on the pavement.

Edward had led us to a quiet little cafe, barely making it inside before the rain began to really pour.

The waitress seated us right away, leading us to a cozy little corner. I noticed her quickly checking out Edward, and I tried to smother my insanely jealous thoughts.

_He's not here with _her_, he's here with _you, I mentally repeated to myself.

"...drink miss?" I looked up to find the waitress looking me with a friendly smile.

"Uh," I said, trying to remember what she had asked me. Drinks, right! "I'll have a Dr. Pepper, thanks."

The waitress left with a promise to return shortly with our drinks and to take our orders.

My hand felt cold and lonely without Edward's. But all good things had to come to an end, I figured.

"This place is great, my parents used to take Tanya and I here all the time," Edward told me, smiling fondly at the memory.

_Oh, Tanya_, I thought, remembering the cold girl. She was Edward's older sister and a complete _nightmare_. She was manipulative, selfish, and bitchy. Thankfully, she moved to New York a few years ago, a little before my fifteenth birthday. I heard she was stripping now. But Edward loved her, faults and all. That was one of the things I cherished most about him, his endless capacity to love. He found good in everyone.

"So what's good here?" I asked, picking up the menu that was completely handwritten in elegant scrawl.

"I love the personal pizza," Edward confessed, looking up from his menu. "I always tell myself that I'm going to get something different, but I never do."

"Why change something already so good?" I asked.

"Exactly," he said, hearing the double meaning in my words. "I don't want to risk getting anything different or new. It might not work out."

"But you'll never know unless you try it," I whispered. I coughed, trying to make my voice a little louder. "You can always just go back to getting the pizza."

Edward looked back down at his menu. "But after trying something new, I don't know if the pizza would taste the same anymore."

"It might not, but it will still be a good thing. And who knows, you might find a new favorite," I said, hoping he heard what I was trying to tell him.

The waitress returned with our drinks and asked if we were ready. She looked to me first, smiling brightly.

"I'll have the Chicken Salad Platter," I said, handing the waitress my menu. She giggled a little and took it, then turning to Edward.

"I'll have the Turkey Pretzel Club," he said, turning to me and smiling. A grin spread across my face. We sat there smiling at each other like two idiots.

"So you decided to try something new, huh?" I asked, praying that this meant more to him than a pizza.

"Things change," he said simply, "and sometimes, it's for the better."

I continued to grin at him like an imbecile until I noticed something. "Why didn't you give the waitress your menu?"

"They stay on the table, silly," he explained, nodding to his, standing upright in it's wrought metal holder.

"So _that's_ why she was laughing," I thought out loud. "Why didn't she just put it back on the table?"

"She probably didn't want to make you feel dumb," he said. "But you do anyways, don't you?"

The waitress came back with our food pretty quickly, delivering each of our plates in front of us.

I almost apologized for handing her my menu, but I decided against it. It's not like I actually did anything wrong.

Edward took a large bite out of his sandwich, moaning in appreciation. "This is so good."

I took that as another good sign. Like maybe the universe was telling us something though a sandwich on odd looking bread.

"Seriously, Bella, you have to try this," he said, handing me his untouched half. As weird as it might be, I was a little disappointed. I kind of wanted to taste the half that Edward had bitten off of.

I took a small bite out of his sandwich, and I agreed, it was amazing. The bread really did taste like a soft pretzel.

My platter was much larger that I had expected it to be, it tasted like a full entree rather than merely a salad.

As I was eating, I felt Edward's stare on me. I looked up to meet his gaze, immediately caught in his intense stare. He seemed to be studying my face, scrutinizing me. My heart sped up, wondering what he was thinking. I was about to voice my thoughts when he spoke up.

"You look _really_ tired," he stated.

I frowned. That definitely wasn't what I had hoped he would say.

"I didn't mean it like that," he said quickly, seeing my expression. "I know you were crying this morning and you don't look like you slept very well last night. Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm sure. I had a bad dream last night," I explained, feeling my cheeks grow warm. "I'm fine, really."

"I remember when you used to call me when you would have bad dreams," Edward said, a far away look on his face. "And you'd be scared because Charlie hadn't come home yet."

That was a pretty bad time for me. My dad had just started working the night shift, with the promise that it was only temporary, and my mom had just died. Being alone was really hard for me. In some ways, it still was. When I had bad dreams, I felt more alone and vulnerable than ever. I didn't want to call my dad, because I knew he was busy and I didn't want to worry him. I called Rose once when I had woken up from a nightmare, and she snapped at me, so I quickly apologized and hung up. She called back an hour or so later, telling me how sorry she was, but I understood. Waking Rosalie was like waking a hibernating, hungry bear. Most of the time she wasn't fully conscious or aware of her actions, and would only realize what she had said when she was more awake. I made the mistake of calling Alice once, too. She was sweet and took my mind off things, but she wouldn't let me off the phone. I ended up falling asleep listening to her voice around sunrise.

Edward was the perfect person to calm me down when I was scared or sad. He was understanding and an amazing listener. He could talk sense into me and distract me so easily. It didn't take me long in our friendship to realize that I was in love with him.

"I miss that," I almost whispered.

"I do to, Bella," he said in a soft but rugged voice. He sounded emotional.

Was this the turning point? Were things finally changing for the better? Or did he only miss when we were friends and my huge crush on him wasn't blatantly obvious? He went from having a best friend to a stalker.

_Stop it_, I chastised myself. I knew he felt something for me. He wouldn't be leading me on just to turn me away. I knew Edward, and I knew it wasn't just me with the crush. I was a modest, self conscious girl, but I had to give myself this; Edward Masen had feelings for me.

He looked like he was about to say more when out moment was ruined by our annoyingly cheerful waitress. "Are you guys finished with that?"

"Yes," Edward said, leaning back in his seat and further away from me. I had barely even realized how close to each other we had gotten. We were practically leaning over the table. I still was.

"And is this going to be on one or two checks?" she asked, her huge smile unnaturally white.

"Two," I said, at the same time Edward said, "One."

"I got this, Bells," he said. "What kind of gentleman would I be if I didn't pay for a lady's dinner?"

I rolled my eyes a little as he confirmed to the waitress that it would be, in fact, on one check. Edward always insisted on paying for things. His parents raised him a _little_ old fashioned. Even though I knew he would pick up the tab, I still felt like I had to offer.

"How many dates will I have to take you on before you realize?" he laughed.

"Date?" I asked, a tone of playfulness in my voice.

He looked slightly flustered, if only for a moment. "Yes, date, silly! Oh, I'm sorry, did I not tell you?"

"Tell me what?" I asked, playing along.

"That we're dating, of course. We have been for a while now. I can't believe I forgot to tell you. It must have slipped my mind!" he said, lightly smacking himself in the forehead for dramatic effect.

"Completely understandable," I said, nodding my head. "How long have we been going out now?"

"Our one year anniversary will be coming up in a week. I know this is a little short notice for you, but I still expect a grand and lavish present," he informed me, trying to conceal a grin.

"Nothing but the best for you, my darling!" I exclaimed a little too loudly. I got a few curious looks from people after being so loud in an otherwise quiet restaurant, but oddly enough, I didn't care. Edward and I began laughing simultaneously, for no real reason, trying and failing to muffle our laughter.

Edward paid for our food and we head out, not surprised to find that it was still raining pretty hard.

We had our hoods up, but thanks to the wind, we ended up getting soaked anyway. I gave up on trying to keep my hood on my head and let the rain soak me. It was April, so the weather wasn't too bad.

I saw that Edward did the same, his hair sticking to his head and rain dripping off his sharp facial features. He looked incredible.

If only his coat wasn't in the way. Edward in a wet tee-shirt was the second most glorious sight in the world. Edward shirtless came first.

We were still rushing, even though we were already soaking wet. We laughed as we made our way to his car, making splashes with each footfall.

I couldn't remember the last time I had felt this happy or carefree. No worries or burdens held me down. I wanted to feel like this all the time, and I knew that only with Edward I could.

He reached out and grabbed my hand, like it was the most natural thing to do with us. I hoped it would become that way. I loved holding hands with Edward, just being connected to him even in the smallest way.

The rain was coming down harder, soaking completely through my jacket now, not that I really cared. Edward's car was in view and we started to run harder, like we were in a race.

Letting go of my hand to retrieve his keys, Edward started slowing down until he came to a complete stop in front of his car. He opened the passenger side first, waiting for me to enter. I brushed up against his chest trying to get in, turning our fun little moment into something more. He looked into my eyes and what I saw in his was unmistakable.

He wanted me.

His eyes flickered down to my lips, and my heart went into overdrive. Was he really going to...?

I frowned when he turned his back to me, making his way to the driver's side without a word.

_No, I guess he _wasn't_ going to_, I told myself. I felt stupid for thinking that he was actually going to kiss me. Of course he wouldn't, we weren't anything more than friends! While he _possibly _liked me, there was no way we were that far yet. I didn't even know if we would ever get there.

"Are you cold?" Edward asked, finally breaking the silence.

"A bit," I admitted, shivering slightly.

Edward turned up the heat to full blast, giving me a little smile. I turned on the radio, letting the sounds of Laura Marling's voice fill the car, filling the silence that had overcome us once more.

_"...and his heart was full of fire at the man he had become, and his soul was seldom higher..." _

I closed my eyes.

**Well, there you have it. I know this chapter was a _wee_ dull, but we're only getting started, and it was all pretty important to the story. Honest feedback would be splendid. But if it was absolutely horrible, please lie a little bit. :)**


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